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I did not raise my son. He was raised by his father.
Norman Jr. found me when he was about 20 yrs old. He came to
California and we spent a short
time together and then lost touch again. From then until three years
ago we had no contact. Then we found each other again on
the internet and started a wonderful and loving relationship.
After talking about why I wasn't there with him while
he was growing up he accepted me and gave me what he gave everyone....
unconditional love.
We were separated by the whole United States. He was on the east
coast in Virginia, and I am on the west coast in California. He came to visit me twice,
while he was out here for the Billboard Awards for his TV show, and we were able to
spend time together. These were good days. Normal days. If only
I could have known that they would be my last. If only I had
been able to touch him more. To hug him and say I love you
more. There are so many times a day now I say 'if only'.
We spent our time together as any normal mother and son who were
both computer people did... Playing with my computer, laughing,
talking, fixing things
and going out to eat. On one of his trips we went to the mall
while he did some Christmas shopping for his kids. These things,
although I enjoyed sharing them with him, didn't seem very important to me then, but now I look on them as
blessings. But.. if only....
We talked often on the phone. His job, besides having his own
TV show where he was the creator, producer, director, editor and star, was as a
local disc jockey. Many nights he would come home
late at night and not be able to go to sleep and he would call me and
we talked for hours sometimes. These were such good
conversations. Other times I would see him pop up on my computer
screen with "Hi Mom". It was as if we were together in the same
room.
During his first trip out here he even bought me a camera for my computer so we could
speak and see each other via computer. We did that often late at
night while everyone else slept. We had a three hour time difference
and it worked great for us. I am a night owl too, as was he, so
I was usually up online when he got home from work late at
night. The camera was his way of bringing me into his family
across the miles. I could be there in his home and talk with him and
his wife and the grandkids and they could see and talk to me. It
was like being there with them.
One of the things we talked about was that he wanted to move me to
the east coast to live near him and his family. He also wanted
me to be there as Grandma Strawberry :o) for the kids. It was
being planned when he was killed. Knowing I was moving there
made him happy and this pleased me.
It made me happy to know he wanted me there. But it
especially made me happy to know that my being close to him and his
family made him happy. It's good to know I brought
a little happiness to his life after not being there for so
long. We had decided that I would visit first so I could look
around and get some local information before I made the move but there was not enough time.
Another.. If only...
We had talked about my moving to Virginia on his trip the year
before but I was nervous about moving and when he came this trip he
told me he had given me a year to get used to the idea and he planned
to move me there himself.
This
conversation was in November and he was killed in Feb. He wanted
to come get me in December but we decided the weather was not good to
drive across country and that the spring would be a better time for
it. Again I think.. If only....
Well, I will still be making that trip. In August 2001 I will be
visiting my grandkids and daughter-in-law, all of who I have never yet
met
in person. I do keep in close touch over the phone and
computer. It will be both a good and bad experience. The
good is evident. The bad is that up to now I have experienced an
amount of denial over his death. I am moving on to another phase
of my grief now, but when I get to his home he will be all around
me. But he will not be there. The truth will be so
real. So undeniable.
My Trip - If Only..
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